Its amazing the difference a day can make in someone's life. Today I realized that I don' t need to be the person I used to be just to have friends. For some reason I have never really made friends all that easily, and when I do make them I have a tendency to change my lifestyle to fit theirs. I'm not doing that anymore. I mean, I am who I am. That's it. I'm a married mom with 2 kids who likes to drink sometimes. Not every night, and not always to get drunk. Sometimes its nice just to have a beer or 2 while watching tv or grilling. Don't judge me because you don't know me!
Ok, off of that onto something else that has been bothering me. I am so sick of the people out there that say depression isn't a real problem. IT IS! Anyone can suffer from it. Mine started when I had something traumatic happen to me as a child. I got over it for a while. Hell, I'm sure that when I started smoking weed after I met the MAN and before I got pregnant with Diva had a lot to do with why I was so relaxed and at ease all the time. But now I am a mom, and no "high" is worth losing my kids. So I take my meds. Even the MAN and I argue about my meds sometimes because he thinks I'm making the condition up.
It's hard to understand depression if you have never suffered from it. There are days when just the thought of getting out of bed is a pain in the ass. It got so bad that I never wanted to do anything with my kids, my MAN, my friends, or anyone. All I wanted to do was either lay in bed, or just watch tv. Don't get me wrong, I still have those days sometimes, but they are a whole lot less frequent than they were. I would go weeks without doing anything in the house. The laundry would pile up, dirty dishes would be stacked all over the counters.. I had to make a change. I have done therapy in the past, and hard therapy at that, but this was something else. I have thought about going back to therapy, but I just don't have the time for it. In a way, you are reading(hopefully someone is) my therapy.
I don't want to be a downer anymore, so lets change the subject! I did manage to stay awake all day which was a huge bonus. The only issue I have now is that I am wide awake even though I only got like 3 hours of sleep last night. And if I don't get off of here soon I am going to be exhausted tomorrow! So here's the deal. I am gonna hang it up and hit the bed. If you want to, feel free to comment. Good night Med Heads!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Ahhh, Mondays...
Actually, for once, this Monday isn't so bad. I thought it would be since the power went out last night and we woke up a little late. I have to say thought, I'm doing well this morning. I got the kids out the door and on the bus on time, the MAN left for work on time, and I already have dishes and laundry going. Now to move onto more productive things. I am planning on going to have coffee with a friend in a little bit, then I am going to tan and run to the grocery store. I can't buy much but I have to get some more dog food and some milk.
Feeling much better this morning about some things. I think I can actually accomplish at least some of my goals. I just need to learn how to manage my time when the MAN is home. It's hard to do that because his job has rotating shifts, so it's never the same days every week that he's here. He works so hard and when he is home I want to do nothing but spend time with him. I don't want to be cleaning, or walking.. So now I have to figure out how to manage around him and still get to spend time with him.
On another note, I do believe that today is going to be one of my good days. A lot of the time when its rainy outside I end up just sleeping all day, but considering I only had a little over 3 hours of sleep last night I am bright eyed and bushy tailed! That is a huge success for me. Now all I need to do is get off of here and facebook so that I can actually get on with my day. Lol. Have a great day Med Heads!
Feeling much better this morning about some things. I think I can actually accomplish at least some of my goals. I just need to learn how to manage my time when the MAN is home. It's hard to do that because his job has rotating shifts, so it's never the same days every week that he's here. He works so hard and when he is home I want to do nothing but spend time with him. I don't want to be cleaning, or walking.. So now I have to figure out how to manage around him and still get to spend time with him.
On another note, I do believe that today is going to be one of my good days. A lot of the time when its rainy outside I end up just sleeping all day, but considering I only had a little over 3 hours of sleep last night I am bright eyed and bushy tailed! That is a huge success for me. Now all I need to do is get off of here and facebook so that I can actually get on with my day. Lol. Have a great day Med Heads!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Not what I was expecting..
This weekend was not what I was expecting. We did get to hang out with some friends, and the kids loved it, but it still felt blah.. I think its the weather. I really want it to stop raining! This rain interferes with my goals for the week!
Well, I say my goals for the week, but they have been my goals for months. I need to start getting exercise. I was hoping that since I have to walk the lady pup anyways for now that I would be able to go walking this week. It's not looking good for me :(. Over the past 6 months or so I have managed to lose almost 20 lbs, and that's with not changing they way I eat. I think the biggest difference has be that there is less stress in my life so I don't stress eat all the time. I have been drinking a ton more coffee though, and I have heard that coffee is a natural metabolism booster. I really need to make an effort to get some type of exercise though. I would like to lose at least 10 more lbs, if not 20 total. Sitting here snacking while I type this really isn't going to help either.
Having that goal in mind, there is another one I need to tackle. I MUST get this house in order. It's not that my house is dirty or anything, but it is soooo messy and cluttered. I have got to make a plan to get rid of things. I have managed to go through my clothes and separate out the stuff that doesn't fit, and I have done the same with the kids clothes. I have even gone through their toys. But now I feel like I have taken about 15 steps in the wrong direction! I am so thankful for having the MAN be as supportive as he is, but even he has his limits.
Well that's 2 goals down. Are there more? Always! I want to become a more efficient cook so that we don't have to spend so much money on groceries. I want to be able to start putting more money into our savings so that we can do special things as a family. I want to be able to be the mom that I know so many women are. The kind that can get barely any sleep, then go all day long just to turn around and hardly any sleep again. I know I can accomplish these things, but its times like this that I start to doubt myself. I'm sure that there are others out there that go through the same things that I do, but until I get this blog out there, how will I ever know.
Alrighty, I am going to get off of here and go to bed. I know its late and I'm hardly going to get any sleep, but I need to try. And I really have to keep busy tomorrow! Wish me luck med heads!
Well, I say my goals for the week, but they have been my goals for months. I need to start getting exercise. I was hoping that since I have to walk the lady pup anyways for now that I would be able to go walking this week. It's not looking good for me :(. Over the past 6 months or so I have managed to lose almost 20 lbs, and that's with not changing they way I eat. I think the biggest difference has be that there is less stress in my life so I don't stress eat all the time. I have been drinking a ton more coffee though, and I have heard that coffee is a natural metabolism booster. I really need to make an effort to get some type of exercise though. I would like to lose at least 10 more lbs, if not 20 total. Sitting here snacking while I type this really isn't going to help either.
Having that goal in mind, there is another one I need to tackle. I MUST get this house in order. It's not that my house is dirty or anything, but it is soooo messy and cluttered. I have got to make a plan to get rid of things. I have managed to go through my clothes and separate out the stuff that doesn't fit, and I have done the same with the kids clothes. I have even gone through their toys. But now I feel like I have taken about 15 steps in the wrong direction! I am so thankful for having the MAN be as supportive as he is, but even he has his limits.
Well that's 2 goals down. Are there more? Always! I want to become a more efficient cook so that we don't have to spend so much money on groceries. I want to be able to start putting more money into our savings so that we can do special things as a family. I want to be able to be the mom that I know so many women are. The kind that can get barely any sleep, then go all day long just to turn around and hardly any sleep again. I know I can accomplish these things, but its times like this that I start to doubt myself. I'm sure that there are others out there that go through the same things that I do, but until I get this blog out there, how will I ever know.
Alrighty, I am going to get off of here and go to bed. I know its late and I'm hardly going to get any sleep, but I need to try. And I really have to keep busy tomorrow! Wish me luck med heads!
Friday, April 26, 2013
Good morning
Wow, for once I managed to get to bed at a reasonable time! Woohoo! What's even better? I am still awake, laundry is going, and the coffee is brewing! Its days like to day that I think I can really get a handle on things!
For years I have suffered from depression, starting when I was 9 and went into foster care. I had a pretty good handle on it by the time I was 15 or so, but after the birth of both of my kids I started spiraling downwards again. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that at the time we only had one car, so when my hubby was working I was stuck at home. We do have 2 cars now, and both the kids are in school, but there are still days that I just want to curl up and cry.
This week was especially hard on my because of the pup. She just hasn't been doing well. We aren't sure if its something she ate, or if its some type of brain damage. If its the latter, then there is a good chance we will have to put her down. She is on meds, but when those run out, who knows. I just am praying that we start seeing significant improvement. I love my babies!
With that said, I also suffer from anxiety disorder. Laying down at night is the hardest time for me because that's when my brain decides to reminds me of all the shit I didn't get done during the day. I mean, really?? The sad thing is, I can have accomplished everything I wanted to get done and my brain is like "Hello! There is so much more to do! Not only that, but have you thought about tomorrow? What about next week?". It drives me up the wall. I was smart last night, and went to bed early enough to be able to take my ambien. It really helps, but if I don't get at least 8 hours on that stuff then there is a chance I will be a zombie the next day. Ok, enough of this depressing crap!
~Back to the good part of the morning~
I managed to get Monster up and dressed really quickly. All I had to do was bribe him! Yep, I call it bribing, mostly because positive reinforcement seems a little too nice. Lol. At his school all the kids get free breakfast and free lunch. We only get to take advantage of that for the rest of this year and next school year because when he moves up to 1st grade that changes. So, if he is good during the week, and gets up on time with out fussing he gets to take his lunch to school on Fridays. I reminded him of that when I went in there to wake him up this am, and he just about jumped out of bed! It was funny. Diva was still a little slow going, but it takes her a while to wake up.
And I am still awake. That's a big thing for me. I have a huge tendency to put the kids on the bus then just curl up and go back to sleep. Especially when I don't really have plans for the day. It drives the MAN nuts, but I can't help it. I love sleeping. Today I am keeping myself awake with the fact that summer break is just around the corner and I don't want the kids to remember the whole summer as having to feed themselves breakfast and lunch. I want to do things with them. So, I am making myself get the house in order by the last day of school. That gives me till June 6th. And if they can help me keep it that way, then we can have fun day trips. With their friends too. Sounds like a plan right????
For years I have suffered from depression, starting when I was 9 and went into foster care. I had a pretty good handle on it by the time I was 15 or so, but after the birth of both of my kids I started spiraling downwards again. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that at the time we only had one car, so when my hubby was working I was stuck at home. We do have 2 cars now, and both the kids are in school, but there are still days that I just want to curl up and cry.
This week was especially hard on my because of the pup. She just hasn't been doing well. We aren't sure if its something she ate, or if its some type of brain damage. If its the latter, then there is a good chance we will have to put her down. She is on meds, but when those run out, who knows. I just am praying that we start seeing significant improvement. I love my babies!
With that said, I also suffer from anxiety disorder. Laying down at night is the hardest time for me because that's when my brain decides to reminds me of all the shit I didn't get done during the day. I mean, really?? The sad thing is, I can have accomplished everything I wanted to get done and my brain is like "Hello! There is so much more to do! Not only that, but have you thought about tomorrow? What about next week?". It drives me up the wall. I was smart last night, and went to bed early enough to be able to take my ambien. It really helps, but if I don't get at least 8 hours on that stuff then there is a chance I will be a zombie the next day. Ok, enough of this depressing crap!
~Back to the good part of the morning~
I managed to get Monster up and dressed really quickly. All I had to do was bribe him! Yep, I call it bribing, mostly because positive reinforcement seems a little too nice. Lol. At his school all the kids get free breakfast and free lunch. We only get to take advantage of that for the rest of this year and next school year because when he moves up to 1st grade that changes. So, if he is good during the week, and gets up on time with out fussing he gets to take his lunch to school on Fridays. I reminded him of that when I went in there to wake him up this am, and he just about jumped out of bed! It was funny. Diva was still a little slow going, but it takes her a while to wake up.
And I am still awake. That's a big thing for me. I have a huge tendency to put the kids on the bus then just curl up and go back to sleep. Especially when I don't really have plans for the day. It drives the MAN nuts, but I can't help it. I love sleeping. Today I am keeping myself awake with the fact that summer break is just around the corner and I don't want the kids to remember the whole summer as having to feed themselves breakfast and lunch. I want to do things with them. So, I am making myself get the house in order by the last day of school. That gives me till June 6th. And if they can help me keep it that way, then we can have fun day trips. With their friends too. Sounds like a plan right????
Thursday, April 25, 2013
An ok day
Well today could have been a little better, but it was ok. The kids had fun playing baseball, and I got my puppy back. But I swear this sleeping thing is kicking my ass! I was up all night last night, stayed up till we got home with the pup, then fell asleep. The next thing I know is the MAN is waking me up to tell me its baseball time and now I'm wide awake. I need to be getting to sleep here soon!
And talk about feeling like a crappy mom. Diva has a project due tomorrow, and she hasn't gotten hardly any of it done. I was supposed to help her manage her time better, but with being sick myself, then the dog, some stuff that went down last weekend, and now baseball every night this week she never got it done. Luckily they don't do letter grades in the 1st grade, so she won't be getting in too much trouble, but I feel so bad because she was looking forward to the praise like she got last time.
I have a question for all you moms. How do you handle it when you child or children refuse to listen? Or when your 7yr old Diva has the attitude of a teenage girl? These kids have been driving me nuts the past couple of days, and I just don't know how to handle it. I mean, I have taken my meds -so I'm not going nuts or anything- but I feel like no matter what I do they just don't care!
Alrighty, I am going to figure out some more to do with my profile then I am going to make myself go to bed. Good night all you med heads! :)
And talk about feeling like a crappy mom. Diva has a project due tomorrow, and she hasn't gotten hardly any of it done. I was supposed to help her manage her time better, but with being sick myself, then the dog, some stuff that went down last weekend, and now baseball every night this week she never got it done. Luckily they don't do letter grades in the 1st grade, so she won't be getting in too much trouble, but I feel so bad because she was looking forward to the praise like she got last time.
I have a question for all you moms. How do you handle it when you child or children refuse to listen? Or when your 7yr old Diva has the attitude of a teenage girl? These kids have been driving me nuts the past couple of days, and I just don't know how to handle it. I mean, I have taken my meds -so I'm not going nuts or anything- but I feel like no matter what I do they just don't care!
Alrighty, I am going to figure out some more to do with my profile then I am going to make myself go to bed. Good night all you med heads! :)
ARGGGHHHHH!!!!
So here we are planning on going to a wedding this weekend, and now we can't. Between the vet bills, and now hearing that the MAN's hours are getting cut at work, we can't afford to go. Oh well, at least we can do something with the kids. If we don't get a ton of rain! I am glad to have the female pup home, even though she isn't 100%. She does seem so much happier, and so does the male pup. Now to get more laundry going, and I think I will take a nap since I was up all night!
SLEEP!
Yikes! This is the third time this week that I have managed to pull an all-nighter. I am now waiting on the MAN to let me know if he is working over or coming home, so I can decide if I am going to get a few winks before finishing all I need to do. On the bright side I got some house work done, and fixed my laundry sorter! Of course now I have been able to get massive amount of the kids dirty clothes sorted out, and looking at the mountain I am pretty sure to get it all done in a timely fashion I shouldn't sleep for a year or so! This is crazy!
And now I hear from him, so time for me to get dressed to pick up the female doggie, then home to hopefully get a nap.
And now I hear from him, so time for me to get dressed to pick up the female doggie, then home to hopefully get a nap.
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